11/18/06 Attaching and preparing for court

Okay, things were a little more optimistic last message. The night I wrote (Thursday into Friday) was a long night without sleep and the day brought no better. I am now officially in the “I can’t sleep mode” and the crying jags are upon us. Mike was medicated that night, no wonder! I did log a few hours of sleep last night (well, really this night, since it’s 5:45 am) with a double dose of sonata. Mike is snoring away. We are in a different room that has a sitting room outside the bedroom so I am no longer on the toilet (well on the toilet lid) but on a love seat as I type. This room is noisier as it faces the street and there is traffic and bar noise. There has been music playing all night. We immediately noticed this (street noise) at mid-day and asked to move across the hall, but they told us to wait until today, which is fine. We don’t mean to be high-maintenance, but sleep is pretty important.

People are asking about Helena’s size. I held up a 12 month Carter’s outfit to her today and it was 3 inches below her feet AND it’s pre-washed. So she will officially be swimming in the 12 months clothes I brought with me and maybe could wear them for 4th of July at the current rate of growth. It’s all very deceiving, but she is only 26 ¾ inches long. I think my youngest was that size at 16 weeks, no exaggeration. She is plumper than last time, which is a good thing because her brain is getting calories. Bottom line, 6-9 mos. is a safe bet for the next few months. We do have a few sleepers in the size, but not much playwear.

Today I asked if I could get her out of her crib when we went to the orphanage and it was permitted. She was awake and standing in her faded orphanage jammies and so glad to see us. We have a short video clip that we can show soon. I picked her up and took the clothes and diaper from the caretaker to dress her. Unfortunately her diaper was messy and we didn’t have wipes with us. They whisked her from me and took her to the shower to hose her down. I came in to continue dressing her and thankfully her bottom was warm and she was content. I have heard that many orphanages use cold water only and the children are sometimes terrified of baths for many months. Hopefully the warm water is the rule and not an exception due to my presence.

It was great to do ordinary things with her like dress her. It gets exhausting for both of us to be the continual playmate for two hours each day. People are always watching and it feels like a performance. We feel we are not meeting expectations if we just simply hold her or walk with her, which we do anyway because we feel it is right for attachment and right for us. Apparently, children are thought to be independent and grown by age six, so I suspect affection, holding is not a premium here. I haven’t seen any infants in baby carriers on the streets or in the stores, only in strollers.

She was very active today. We did some crawling races together on the small space we were permitted to keep her contained. They feel that children catch diseases from the ground, so we need to restrict her to the blanket, yes, the same one I wore as a scarf in Moscow! We are hoping the boys will enjoy playing with her and teaching her things. She’s quite the mimic, so it should be very satisfying for them. They gave us some nesting blocks and she enjoyed banging them together and was even imitating some of our syncopations. They brought out the high chair and some oatmeal for us to feed her for dinner. She doesn’t eat much when we’re around; she sees us as the playmates and it’s very distracting because we are taking away from her “play time” with us. I suspect they take her aside when we leave and get some more into her so she will sleep through the night. They say she is a good sleeper, Amen! We’ve started offering her the sippy cup with the broth-tea concoction they provide. She’s taking it easily without the valve and it’s a little less messy than the cup, however, she’s likely to fling it around and spray her face if we’re not assisting her. Today we introduced some finger foods; those sweet potato star things that come in a plastic container. She’s never fed herself before, but she was beginning to grasp the concept. She can pick them up in her pincer grip but then smashes them against her face to get them in her mouth. She liked them but unfortunately, through a miscommunication, the caretaker ended up taking them and keeping them. I think they thought they were a gift; our intention in speaking with them was to ask permission to feed them to her. Oh well, Mike can replace them on his trip home. Miscommunications are common here and we are always trying not to offend!

Leaving her was very difficult today. She seems more like ours now and it feels less like we are visiting her and more like she is visiting the orphanage but belongs with us. She was content when she was handed over, but then we saw her on the potty in the alcove and she was crying. When she saw us, she stopped. It was evident on her face she knew we were leaving and she was going to burst into tears the minute we were out of sight. This was very hard for us and tears are streaming down my face as I write. She knows us now, she has expectations, and because of the restrictions we can only meet them two hours a day. I am alarmed at the ratio of care. I have been using the word “they” as a pronoun, but there is only one caretaker with her group of about twelve children, contained in three rooms. There are babies crying in cribs. There are children left in walkers and on potties unattended in rooms and alcoves. The caretakers are spread very thin and the children are part of an assembly line of care and must wait their turn.

Please pray that the10 day wait after court is waived. It is rare but we will plead the case that Helena is five months behind in growth (technically failure to thrive by US standards), anemic and the ratio of care in the orphanage is far from adequate. If she leaves, the others will get more care, it’s that simple. All we can do is ask respectfully. Crying is apparently helpful, and I will have no problem there. The ten days gives the judge the opportunity to revoke his/her decision should they reconsider the testimony. We are hoping the fact that we are already parents and our boys are thriving will be in our favor.

We are enjoying your comments and emails. If we do not respond it is because we keep getting knocked off the server. A few emails I attempted to send got kicked out to who knows where.

We hope everyone is well and thanks for reading.